God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
