chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
false alarm. still invincible.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
