My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
