My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
