i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
