Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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