i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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