I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
