i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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