her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
