I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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