you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Sorry about my life...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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