WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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