as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
