my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
