I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
