no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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