ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
