Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
