Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
