Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
