just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
