I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
