I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
