Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
