I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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