I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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