Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
