Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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