When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
