I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
