I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
