SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
