tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
