So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
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