Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Randomize
