I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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