Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
