I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize