Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
