Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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