Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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