i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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