Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize