he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
