We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
