My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
