My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
