"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
