My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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