I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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