Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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