I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize