In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
