Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
