i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
