3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize