In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
